December 2009
dazzle me
I can be brilliant and happy and okay. I’m going to pretend that with the changing of the year will come a magnificent shift in my existence. I’m leaving everything at the feet of December 31st and I’m moving the fuck on into January 1st. Come on 2010, dazzle me.
I'm a mess, I confess
I don’t care about holidays. And January first is just like every other day. I’ll feel the same, wake up the same, get drunk and confused the same.
There is no such thing as a moment of clarity. I don’t think knowing anything changes anything else. A light bulb doesn’t go off, your brain just gets tired and gives up.
I’ve been having the strangest dreams. I pretend...
12:51
things in my head:
I have to work 11-7 tomorrow
new shoes
shirt I bought for two dollars
how cold my feet are
I wish I had been in Michigan for Christmas
getting back to Philadelphia
“fire back about your new baby’s sex”
new tattoo
nightmares I’ve been having
so it goes.
I can feel myself starting to get restless to go back to Philadelphia. It’s different now though. I’m not racing to get back to the same things anymore. But that’s alright. Sometimes things move slowly, but they move just the same. I think I’m done fooling myself now. But maybe that’s just me lying to my head again. I guess that’s alright too. As long as I keep...
everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
Slaughterhouse Five is brilliant.
I feel like there were a lot of things I meant to write down over the past few days. I can’t think of any now. I’ll think later.
...
“you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened … or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”
god damn all your beauty
I woke up fully clothed on a giant bean bag chair. I miss my friends so much when I’m away.
I’m leaving to go snowboarding in Vermont tomorrow. I can’t wait.
directionless yes, but that's to be expected
I dropped my book in the bathtub yesterday and now the pages are all wrinkled and crunchy.
If I could rewind to last winter and last spring I would do things differently. I would pin point where things started and where I met people and when I said the things I said and when I did the things I did. And I would stay home instead.
Or maybe I would do it all exactly the same. I guess it...
my shoes keep sticking to the ground.
For a single moment I want to feel like the universe isn’t about to crush me and my heart isn’t about to explode. I’m just an option. And I’m exhausted.
Mindy White and Anthony Green - “Baby It’s Cold...
working on my backwards walk.
I’m more or less snowed in which is really just a good excuse to stay in bed. Christmas makes me depressed and it’s dumb to try and explain that to people. I’ve been having bad dreams but I’d still rather stay in bed and sleep and ignore reality.
“My Backwards Walk” Frightened Rabbit
I’m working on my backwards walk Walking with no shoes or socks When the...
I don't think I can make myself any clearer.
It’s cold out but it hasn’t started snowing yet. I’m alone in my house and I feel so small in comparison. I’m curled up on the couch drawing pictures of things I’ve never seen and I feel strange. Maybe just tired. I don’t care what everyone else is doing tonight, I’m not leaving.
The beginnings of the playlist I’m making for tonight..
Death...